A Nobody's Pain
by Leopardheart-Naux-Kadaj
Summary: Roxas needs an escape from the nothingness of what he is... Warnings: Self-injury, Akuroku.


~A Nobody's Pain~

A.N.: I know, several things wrong with this, technicality wise. But I wrote this back in... December? Last year? When my love for AkuRoku and them seperately struck so um, bear with me. It's been revised since. And _yes_ this is the same one by obsessive-artist99 on DeviantArt because I am her and my DA no longer works. Rated T for self-injury and a little bit of yaoi. You have been warned. I own nothing.

* * *

><p><em>"Pain, without love<br>Pain, can't get enough  
>Pain, I like it rough<br>'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all"_

The short, blonde Nobody named Roxas crawled to the head of his bed, shying away from the silvery moonlight, and letting comforting shadow envelop him. He revealed a stolen kitchen knife that he had held hidden in an inner coat pocket. He rolled up his long left coat sleeve and removed the black fingered glove to expose his pale wrist and lower arm.

Roxas swiftly slid the semi-serrated blade across his smooth flesh, and when the sharp pain registered a few moments later he sucked in a quick, almost inaudible gasp, gritting his teeth. Despite what his mind told him he felt, Roxas forced himself to think, 'It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.' He felt warm, crimson blood well around his cut. A dark, wicked smile crept upon his lips, turning up one corner.

_I like it,_Roxas thought to himself as he felt droplets of blood run down his wrist, onto his hand, sliding along the lines of it and staining his palm and between his fingers claret. The tilted grin only crept further up, creating a slight dimple. 'I like it because it makes me feel something of nothing at all.'

_"You're sick, of feeling numb  
>You're not, the only one<br>I'll take you by the hand  
>And I'll show you a world that you can understand <em>

_This life is filled with hurt  
>When happiness doesn't work<br>Trust me, and take my hand  
>When the lights go out<br>You'll understand"  
><em>

Roxas was told he didn't have a heart so he couldn't feel. He hated this numbing apathy that the life of a Nobody endured. He hated that in his chains of memories, there was not one that expressed the true happiness he longed to feel, no love that he could smile at. No, that was a lie. His memories of Axel made him grin goofily for a few moments when he thought of it, but even that could not conquer his hatred for this apathy and uselessness.

So when all became shrouded in darkness, consumed by the night, Roxas gave into the hatred for his existence, the existence of living nothingness and created a form of emotion for himself by slitting his thin wrists. He let the searing pain register in his mind and it filled him with an emotion so strong, he couldn't possibly feel numb. He couldn't focus on the hatred or apathy. It was all about the pain shooting up his arm, the intense hurt that he subtly grinned at.

Roxas understood this dark, burning pain and how it allowed him to feel this instead of feeling so numb, so emotionally detached. He gave into the urge to cut himself every once in while when a voice inside taunted him, "You're nothing, Roxas. You're life is nothing but existing in a half-life with no happiness and only pain." Sometimes, the honey-blonde Nobody wanted to fight back and claim he was more, but how could he, when he believed the whispered words that cold, evil voice teased him with?

Roxas positioned the kitchen knife just a few centimeters below his first cut and slid the blade across his smooth skin. It cut across a thin white scar, creating an "X" and he let out a small whimper of pain that he couldn't restrain. Number Thirteen realized how much the twin cuts stung as the bled, dark sticky blood running down his wrist, sliding into his hand and dripping onto his bed-sheets.

_"Pain, without love!  
>Pain, can't get enough!<br>Pain, I like it rough!  
>'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all! (x2)"<br>_

Pain that he created filled him and completed him, while at the same time it was destroying him. It became an outlet to the pain inside him, the worthlessness that he felt, and a replacement to the love that he could feel. But he craved it now; it was an addiction to him. Sweet stinging pain, coppery-scented blood… the Keybearer needed to feel it. At least it made him feel something and that was better than nothingness in his mind.

The stings of the fresh cuts that overlapped and crossed out the old awakened Roxas and he knew it, admitted to it. He liked the feeling of the icy blade scoring across his skin, leaving a trail of dark crimson blood in its wake. This was his distraction from it all, this was his outlet and he enjoyed his own suffering, his own pain. Because, after all, the young blonde Nobody would rather feel this than deadening nothingness.

_"Anger and agony  
>Are better than misery<br>Trust me,  
>I've got a plan<br>When the lights go off you'll understand"  
><em>

Roxas let his frustration and misery of his horrid half-life become physical pain because it felt so much better and was so much easier to deal with. Anger boiled under his skin—how could the Organization use him the way that they did? How could they make him do their bidding, then keep him out of their plans? Why was he nothingness? Slowly, he realized that he wasn't mad, the tears that welled in his sapphire eyes weren't from anger, and the urge to cut was seated in misery and inner pain not anger or frustration.

Roxas gave into his hopeless, seemingly senseless plan of scarring his wrists with a knife when the consuming emotionless around and within him became too much. He felt the darkness pressing in, the voice begin to taunt him again, making some hateful and harmful remarks on how un-needed and worthless he was. With his head hung in shame, he believed that voice and positioned the knife for the third incision.

Hot, fierce pain filled his mind and arm as he cut a little deeper than before. Roxas exhaled a loud cry of pain as he pulled the blade away and the blood seeped freely from the wound. Silently, droplets of the claret blood slid from his fingers and fell onto the sheet, making blackish stains in the light gray fabric. He watched it with wide eyes, slightly grinning, slightly gritting his teeth in pain to create a horrible image of a wicked, almost demonic-looking smile.

_"Pain, without love!  
>Pain, can't get enough!<br>Pain, I like it rough!  
>'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all! (x2)<br>Rather feel pain!"  
><em>

Roxas pressed the bloody knife to his skin, prepared to make the deepest incision yet. As if anyone cared about him. As if anyone would even try to stop him, if they had known. He was a Nobody, after all. He was nothing, a living nothing, something worse than nothing, for he was never meant to exist, or so he was told. There was no love or anything close for Roxas, not that he could return it anyway. He wanted to feel this pain, because he didn't want to return to feeling numb. No, he was never going back to that!

As the blade easily cut through his flesh, Roxas let out a semi-soft, but echoing cry of pain and panted as warm blood flooded down his arm. It was his blood from all of his cuts and it stung. The pain was intense, it consumed him. Tears threatened to flow over and rain down his cheeks but he forced them back.

"Roxas? Are you okay?" A voice could be heard from the hallway, right outside the door.

Roxas froze in place, his sapphire blue eyes widening in fear. Oh no, oh God no... No one was supposed to find out! No one could know, especially not Axel….

"You were really quiet—I mean, quieter than your usual zombie self—and you didn't finish your ice-cream earlier… Roxas?" Axel's voice sounded concerned; it even bordered on worried.

The taller Nobody's jade-green eyes widened as he heard a cry of pain and a dull clank as something hit the floor. "Something's wrong, Axel. Something's wrong with your precious Roxas," a voice, a cold, wicked voice cruelly taunted Axel. Shut up, he hissed back at it in his mind.

Roxas frantically tried to cover up his still bleeding wounds, hide them with shame showering him as he did. He couldn't seem to pull his sleeve up quickly enough; his fingers trembled too hard, they just wouldn't function right. He carelessly tossed the knife onto the floor, hoping the shadow would hide it.

_"I know, I know, I know, I know, I know  
>That you're wounded<br>You know, you know, you know, you know, you know  
>That I'm here to save you<br>You know, you know, you know, you know, you know  
>I'm always here for you<br>I know, I know, I know, I know, I know  
>That you'll thank me later"<br>_

Axel burst into Roxas's room and saw the honey-blonde Nobody frantically attempting to pull up his sleeve and hide something. The tall ginger noticed dark stains on Roxas's sheets, something sticky and crimson oozing between his fingers… His jade green eyes widened as he crossed the room in a few swift strides and he yanked Roxas's arm up by the wrist, and pulled down his coat sleeve that was now soaked with a substance Axel wished it wasn't, and he saw the one thing that scared him the most, the one thing he never wanted to imagine on his best friend.

"What the hell do you think you're doing to yourself, Roxas?" Axel demanded. His tone was not angry, but rather full of inexplicable grief and raw pain as if Axel had experienced the physical pain himself, more emotion than either of them thought that a heartless 'being' could ever express.

The first two times he did not cry once as he cut a series of wounds into his left wrist. Roxas hadn't cried when he had made the deepest incision a few moments ago. But after hearing this anguish from his friend, hot, salty tears began to stream down Roxas's pale face.

Through his tears of regret, the blonde Nobody managed, "I-I-I'm nothing… I-I-I'm worthless…"

"You are not nothing, Roxas! You mean everything to me!" Axel's voice took an edge of ferocity to it, but the pain was not hidden beneath it.

_ I can't let him bleed to death… I can't lose Roxas! I can't!_Axel's thoughts screamed as he rummaged around for a tourniquet for his best friend, hot tears building up in his toxic green eyes.

He panicked when there was nothing, nothing to save Roxas with. There was blood just flowing down his arm, his wrist, his hand…. Axel, fed up with his empty-handed findings, tore off his lower left sleeve and wrapped it tightly around Roxas's left arm, covering the cuts. Roxas inhaled sharply as the fabric tightened around his bleeding cuts roughly and scratched at them. Finally, Axel assumed that Roxas was safe… his Roxas was safe from death…

Axel sat on Roxas's bed and pulled the smaller boy into his lap. Roxas latched onto him, wrapping his arms around the taller Nobody's neck and placing his head on his shoulder. Axel allowed him to cry into his shoulder silently, his shoulders shaking, and he wrapped his arms around Roxas in a comforting embrace.

"I'm sorry, Axel…" Roxas whispered, his voice stuttering a little, and thick with dozens of tears.

"Shh, shh Roxas, it's going to be okay. I'm here, Roxas, so you're going to be okay," Axel murmured, rubbing Roxas's back. It was more of a statement that he spoke would become true, that Roxas would feel better with him here, than a statement of truth.

"Why do you care? I'm just the Keybearer. Once my job is done, I'm done. I'm nothing but a tool. I'm nothing." Roxas's tone took a sharp edge. Axel was shocked to hear so much self-hatred in the young blonde boy's voice.

"You're my Roxas, and you're my best friend. I've always cared about you, and I always will. Nothing will ever change that," Axel whispered into Roxas's ear, using one finger to brush the smaller Nobody's tears gently.

Roxas didn't have the strength and couldn't find his voice to reply._ Axel really cares about me. He really does. And I care about him too_. Unable to speak, the Keyblade wielder simply snuggled against the tall Nobody's chest, a few rebellious tears streaking down his face despite that he willed them not to. Axel leaned down and planted sweet, gentle kiss after kiss on Roxas's cheek after wiping away those last tears. And once, just once, he chanced one on Roxas's soft lips and to his surprise, the blonde slowly moved his lips against his, kissing back.

"I can't lose you, Roxas. I care about you too much to ever have to see you like this again," Axel murmured. "Please, promise me I'll never have to see you like this again."

"I-I promise, Axel," Roxas whispered, looking up at Axel's face.

There he saw the pain and grief that he had heard in Axel's voice clearly displayed in his alluring green eyes. Roxas almost flinched as he saw that, and that cold voice from before hissed, "You caused that, Roxas." Roxas pushed the thought out of his head.

Roxas didn't remember falling asleep, really. He did remember waking up and the first thing he saw was the zipper to Axel's cloak, the first thing he felt was being curled against Axel with their legs intertwined and his sapphire-colored eyes widened in shock. _What the hell is Axel doing in my bed!_But then he realized his left hand was being held be Axel's right. The left wrist that he had sliced open repeatedly and Axel had torn off his cloak sleeve to create a tourniquet. Memories came flooding back and he frowned slightly, feeling guilty. The honey-blonde tilted his head up and saw Axel looking down at him, grinning a slightly sad smile.

"Thanks Axel. You know, for saving me," Roxas murmured.

"I'm always here to catch you when you fall, Roxas. I'll always be there for you. Got it memorized?" Axel replied, throwing in his favorite catchphrase.

Roxas smirked and leaned up to gently kiss Axel's lips. "Yeah, I've got it memorized."

_"Pain, without love!  
>Pain, can't get enough!<br>Pain, I like it rough!  
>'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all! (x2) Rather feel pain!"<br>_

Axel and Roxas were simply walking down the hallway of the Castle That Never Was. The hallways were deserted, empty, and growing darker with the approaching night. They took advantage of the shadows and loneliness completely; Axel pushed Roxas against a wall, pinning his wrists above his head while capturing his lips with his own. Roxas grinned and kissed back, licking along Axel's bottom lip.

After they passionately kissed, they broke away and looked around to see if anyone had caught them. Roxas internally sighed; he hated that their kisses that they shared had to be shared in secret, because it was against the very nature of their existence.

When they knew it was all clear, Axel left a trail of light kisses along Roxas's jaw, down his soft neck until he came to the delicate spot between Roxas's neck and collarbone. Axel bit the tender spot gently, earning a groan of pleasure and pain from the smaller boy, his eyes shut as he reveled in the feeling. At first, the noise had shocked the pyro, and he had thought he had hurt the younger Nobody, but after a few times he performed the bite, he realized that Roxas liked it when he was in pain, and that was his pleasure spot.

Roxas felt a second kind of pain, totally different from the kind left by Axel's love bite. It was the kind of pain that lingered longer than physical pain, and it also betrayed the very nature of his existence. The only word to describe it was heartbroken-ness and even that was inaccurate because he had no heart that could be broken. But it explained it all the same; the pain he felt was due to the fact that there was always a voice inside him that taunted him, "_Axel doesn't love you. And you don't love Axel."_And with a sorrow expression in his sapphire eyes, Roxas admitted it to be true.

Roxas belonged to Axel, and Axel to Roxas. It was unspoken agreement between the two. The connection, the bond between them was stronger than simple best friends, but the term 'boyfriends' was inappropriate, as they could never date, because they didn't truly love the other. Admitting the sad cold truth was painful to say the least, but neither really acknowledged it if they could avoid it.

They settled for secret kisses, hidden touches, stolen moments of happiness when they were alone. And it was enough for the both of them. For Axel, it was reminding Roxas that Axel cared more than a heartless 'being' should physically be able to. For Roxas, this pain inside him at the fact that everything was secretive, it was tolerable. The shorter, blonde enjoyed this pain a lot more anyway.

It wasn't love, because that was impossible, but it was close enough for Axel and Roxas.


End file.
